freshmen

He had this way about him. It may have been something in the intensity of his sapphire stare, or the way electricity ran throughout my body when he touched me. Or maybe it was just how I felt when he looked at me. That can’t be it though. I’m sure he makes everyone feel this way, subconsciously or with intent, this is something I could never quite figure out. I will probably never know. I was too afraid, or rather, confused at the time. We kind of fell into a friendship of sorts. An unlikely pair, or at least I thought so at the time. It was out of convenience I assume, we lived down the hall from one another. He was effortlessly cool and handsome. I was naively dorky and hadn’t stepped into my confidence quite yet. I didn’t realize that anyone saw me as anything other than the boring girl next door, literally. At first, I couldn’t stand him. He made my blood boil with his smugness and I began to read his confidence as arrogance. The loud girls captured his attention and I thought it was because they were his type, but looking back now maybe it was just because they were loud. He had this charm, this way of making you feel special and self-conscious all at once. It wasn’t until winter term that I realized we shared the same sense of humor, and suddenly everything was different. It was almost like we had formed a language that only we spoke, one where we could easily go back and forth until we were the only ones laughing. Soon enough we were sharing meals and bickering like siblings.

I had never had this with a boy, a friendship. I instinctively assumed he would never be attracted to me, he was simply out of reach. Besides, I convinced myself there was no way I could really want to be with someone who seemed so different than me. This was what I relayed to anyone who caught onto our chemistry and asked if I had feelings for him. In all honesty, I wasn’t sure how I felt. We had deep conversations, sometimes we bickered and sometimes he would linger when we locked eyes just long enough to make me nervous. He was beautiful. There is just no getting around that. I was barely 19, innocent and inexperienced. It was almost as if he could read my mind. He could tell when I was secretly judging someone in my head, or when I was uncomfortable in a social situation. See, that was our biggest difference, because he was never uncomfortable. Can two people who are so different coexist in a relationship, or even a friendship? And, does it matter?

Years later, and I’m just now processing these feelings. The line between a friendship and something more never to be determined due to a lack of communication. Or maybe, I made it all up in my head. We drifted apart in the usual way, slowly and easily. I dreamt about him last night, but it’s slipping away from me now, forever lost in the folds of my dreams. Maybe he’s out there wondering about me. Is this a sign? Am I idealizing someone again? Can two souls communicate through thoughts and unresolved feelings? I’ll let you know if I ever find out.

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